Duke closes herbarium, replaces with dispensary – The Chronicle – Duke Chronicle

Editor’s Note – All articles featured in The Chomicle are creative, satirical and/or entirely fictional pieces. They are fully intended as such and should not be taken seriously as news.

Duke finalized its decision to close the Duke Herbarium and revealed plans Sunday to convert the facility into a dispensary.

The project will be spearheaded by Duke Student Affairs in an effort to boost morale amid reports of low attendance at QuadEx events, which are described by students as “super lame.”

“We’re not sure why students aren’t hanging out on campus,” said Marty Party, executive curator of the student experience. “Who would’ve guessed that when we kicked the frats out, they would take all the parties with them?”

The dispensary will be staffed by volunteers with DukeLine — Duke’s student-led counseling service for Line Monitors struggling with overwhelming feelings of self-hatred and general uselessness. Campus Enterprises is reportedly developing an app that will connect buyers to student athletes who will make weed deliveries on scooters directly to residence halls.

The dispensary service will be connected to DukeCard accounts, allowing students to purchase products using food points. For an extra fee, basketball star and TikTok sensation Jarod McCarty will make

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